Charlie Kirk Show’s First Episode Featuring Megyn Kelly and Erika Kirk Surpasses 1 Billion Views: “It’s Gonna Break Records”

If you thought Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour was the cultural moment of the century, think again. The debut of *The Charlie Kirk Show* on ABC has shattered every conceivable record, racking up over one billion views in less than a week — a feat ABC proudly declared “bigger than the moon landing, the Super Bowl, and Will Smith slapping Chris Rock combined.”

Hosted by Erika Kirk and Megyn Kelly, the premiere blended political rally, daytime talk show, and awkward memorial service. Erika opened with: *“Charlie dreamed of this moment — though maybe not with me, Megyn Kelly, and Kid Rock shredding guitar in the background.”* Kelly quickly added, *“The hens of The View are extinct. Welcome to the new golden age.”*

The guest lineup was equally surreal. Donald Trump called the episode *“bigger than Titanic and Home Alone 2 combined.”* Tucker Carlson read scripture while glaring silently at the camera. Elon Musk promised a Tesla update that forces drivers to stream Charlie Kirk podcasts “until freedom is restored.”

Numbers were so astronomical Nielsen statisticians reportedly fainted. ABC cited 1,047,322,118 views across platforms in five days. Even stranger, 11 million fans claimed they had “spiritually attended” the taping—though the studio only holds 400. North Korea pirated the episode, replacing Erika’s intro with Kim Jong-un speeches but leaving Megyn Kelly’s outfit intact.

Merchandise frenzy followed: hoodies reading *“Episode One Billion,”* mugs declaring *“One Episode, One Nation,”* and \$1,200 resale throw blankets emblazoned with Kirk’s silhouette. Scalpers crashed Amazon.

Reactions were predictably polarized. Conservatives hailed the show as “the cornerstone of Western civilization,” with Ben Shapiro gushing it made *Seinfeld* “look like a failed improv troupe.” Liberals dismissed it as grief-as-spectacle. Rolling Stone accused ABC of turning funerals into theme parks.

World leaders chimed in, too. King Charles politely asked what a Charlie Kirk was, Justin Trudeau launched a rival talk show (73 viewers, mostly staff), and Putin declared Kirk “better than Swift.” Rumors swirl that Taylor herself may appear in a future episode, provided she gets her own merch table.

As fireworks erupted outside the studio, Megyn Kelly smirked into the camera: *“This isn’t just breaking records. It’s breaking history.”*

**Note: This is SATIRE. It’s not true.**